When you incorporate your research into your story, do it with a light touch. Keep your protagonist's or narrator's perspective at the front of your mind; don't harp on the things that they will find unremarkable or irrelevant.
Writing marries intuition to intellect, and sometimes the intuition part means you just know when the thing is done and no amount of hacking at it will make it not be done.
When you have a strong, clear idea of what your work is and what it's trying to be, you'll have a much easier time helping it along its path.
Our society heaps so much guilt and shame onto sex and sexuality, but a writer who breaks past that to celebrate and empower their own sexuality can empower their readers to do the same.
This excessive concern over a minor matter sounds like the product of an anxious aversion to declaring the book finished.
Your feelings of envy are harming you by making it hard for you to achieve a degree of self-defined success that might lead to you feeling less envious.
Revision requires a shift in perspective, from writer to reader. What do you want your reader to experience while reading your work, and how do you want them to feel at the end?
The question is how to go about writing characters who aren't like you, not whether you are allowed to.
Right now, while we're still in the midst of NaNo and can observe it directly rather than in hindsight, is a great time to write down some thoughts about how it's going and what you can learn from it.
It's challenging to have the desire to create works that cause minimal harm, paired with the certain knowledge that our writing incorporates our ignorance and erroneous beliefs.